Yes, this blog in which you are about to read is indeed the realist sh*t I ever wrote.
This writing is not intended to put all my business out there, because honestly, I am a private person. I don’t like everyone knowing my business and what I’m doing because people tend to judge, to cast their fears on you, and tell you what you should do. However, the situations I’ve been in and the things that I have learned from them were meant to be shared. That is the basis on which I have created Scar Power. I had to go through my own journey and figure things out alone. Once I did, I knew that there are many other women out there looking for help as well. I believe our stories help heal.
So, get ready. I’m taking you on a ride, buckle up!
Here We Go
Last week, I participated in a scream session. And yes, that is exactly what it sounds like. I connected with Tahsha Renee and Jacquelynne Faith of the company, Sisterhood of Sacred Fire, who took me on a journey through their Sacred Rage Scream process. It was….scary, and nerve wrecking, and different, and freeing, and absolutely AMAZING!
I had been a little nervous about participating in the process in general because I knew I needed to tap into that angry, vulnerable, and fearful part of me; and that’s not something I’ve ever really done before… intentionally, and especially in front of other people. I’ve always considered myself to be a positive, happy person, so really allowing myself to feel all the feels and tap into the ‘dark side’ was quite a contrast.
30 minutes before the meeting, I could literally feel the nerves pulsing through my body. I felt like I had to go on stage and give a speech or something; it was crazy! Of course, I wasn’t nervous about talking to these two beautiful women; I was afraid of airing my “dirty laundry” in front of them. My ego wanted to hold on to my guilt, shame, anger, self-loathing, fear, resentment, rejection – all the things.
Because who would I be without it? How will it feel to be completely free of all the things that I kept bottled up inside of me? I didn’t know. And that was the scary part.
So many of us are tightly wrapped up in our problems, our fears, our insecurities that (1) we don’t even know half of the things that restricts us, (2) of the things we do know, that are conscious, we want to keep them because we so are afraid to be vulnerable, to put ourselves out there for fear of rejection, of not being liked, of people talking about us, and (3) we are comfortable. All of those things are warm and fuzzy and keep us comfortably restricted, like a baby swaddled nice and tight in a crib. And we walk around thinking that we’re OKAY.
I REALIZED THAT I WAS NOT OKAY.
What Lies Beneath
Over the past two years, my life has shifted dramatically. And to be honest, the shift started way before then, but that’s another story.
I separated from my then husband in 2020. Before that, I had two miscarriages in my marriage two years in a row. After the second miscarriage, I did not have a period/cycle for over a year. My hormones were all jacked up – I didn’t think I could get pregnant again. I had to get an MRI on my head. The doctor found that there was a very small tumor on my pituitary gland. It wasn’t big enough to take any medicine or do anything about, so she decided that we’d just watch it. Covid happened a few months later, and they put restrictions on doctors’ appointments. So needless to say, after a while, I didn’t go back to get a checkup. But the good news is, my period came back on its own and now its regular again.
At the time of separation, my son was 12 years old, and we made the decision that he would move with his dad to the opposite side of the country. I wasn’t physically in his life for 2 years, the first time ever that I was not a centered parent in his life. That was tough. Although I visited at times, it was not the same.
Three months after I moved out of the house we shared, I lost my job for an entire year – which led to low self-esteem, imposter syndrome, and lots of debt. After a while, I had to release the lease on my townhome and move in with family because it became a financial burden with no job. And moving in with family had its own challenges and special brand of restrictions; although I am extremely grateful that I had a place to go. I had been on my own and taking care of myself for most of my life, so no longer being able to do it was… emotionally challenging.
During this time, I was in a relationship with a guy; I think he may have been a little narcissistic. He had anger issues and would get mad at me for bringing up how I felt or things that bothered me in the relationship. The issues always found a way back around to being my fault, never his. This led me to hold my thoughts and not voice how I felt. We never had any discussions about anything real. I just kept my emotions bottled up inside until they came out sporadically; we’d fight and stop talking for months, but somehow find our way back into a relationship. That was the cycle.
I completely gave away my power.
But the ironic thing is, that relationship took me on a powerful journey of introspection, because it all came back to me. I had to continuously ask myself questions: Why do I put up with this? What is it inside me that needs this relationship? Where is this leading?
Slowly I began to regain my footing, and after my period of massive self-development in 2021, you can read my story here, I was more readily willing to stand up for myself and let that relationship go.
After this narcissistic type of relationship, I began dealings with a man who treated me well; I was able to voice my opinions and what I wanted. It was a friendship. This helped to heal some of the wounds from the past relationship and helped me understand that there was nothing wrong with me; I wasn’t the problem.
Within a month of this new friendship, I got pregnant. It was totally unplanned, out of the blue; I wasn’t sure that it was possible for me as stated before, which led to a decision that I never thought I’d have to make. I had an abortion. (Note: No matter how you may feel about my decision, this is my truth, not a debate). I was not in a position to take care of myself, let alone another, and I am grateful that I had the right to choose. My spirit is at ease in accepting that it was not the right time for me to have more children. I am open to whatever God decides going forward in my motherhood journey, but either way, I will continue to be my awesome and best self!
In the beginning of 2022, I decided to move across the country and in with a cousin to be closer to my son. Moving away from everything that I’ve known – friends, family, and a familiar atmosphere – to an area where I probably knew a handful of people was hard. Truly alone for the first time in my life, I had to deal with myself now that I was given the space to really look at all my stuff that had piled up over the years. I didn’t feel supported, so I had to learn (and still learning) how to create a safe space and support myself.
Taking ownership and control of who I was and everything that was going on in my life was scary, but playing the victim was no longer an option. My self-perception had been skewed ever since 2009 when I decided to get the surgery to remove the small keloid, which resulted in a chemical burn, and ultimately a much larger keloid. For 12 years I was trapped in this scar, not wearing what I wanted, feeling insecure, keeping myself small…but not anymore. Now, I will no longer hide. I have reclaimed my power and I will speak my truth!
During my session, I literally screamed for 20 minutes straight! I’ve heard that there was a woman who screamed for two hours straight, and I tell you, I give my hat off to her because screaming for any amount of time is no easy task!
I was sweating, I was slobbing, I was snotting, (luckily, I covered my pillow) and it literally got to a point where I had to throw up. This is the physical release of all the stuff that I had been holding FOR YEARS, being afraid to speak up for myself and pushing all of my stuff down. It was ugly. I was exhausted by the end of it and my throat was raw. Needless to say, I lost my voice for about 4 days.
But it was worth it!
Tahsha Renee and Jacquelynne Faith helped me to lay all my “stuff” out on the table like a deck of cards, and I could no longer hide; I had to face it. They held a safe space for me to sift through these cards and release all of my anger, guilt, rejection, etc., and helped me realize… (1) half the stuff that I was carrying on my back was not even mine; it was behaviors learned or other people’s problems I took on, (2) it was okay to feel anger, and (3) I was not to blame for any of it – it’s all part of the human experience; therefore, it was okay to let it all go!
So many times, we want to hold onto things that are no longer for us which creates all types of resistance and blockages within us, but we must let them go!
Bring In the New
In order for me to be able to hold space for others, to become someone different, to bring in the new, I had to get rid of my old stuff and create space.
Let’s pretend you have a closet full of clothes – it’s so packed that there is no space for anything else – and a friend offers to take you on a shopping spree to Louie Vuitton, Prada, Christian Dior, Gucci – all the expensive stores. You would have nowhere to put anything else, so of course, the smart thing to do is get rid of a lot of the old clothes; donate them, sell them, whatever you had do to create space.
That’s what we must do in our lives – go through the process of decluttering all of our past ‘stuff’, because on the other side of it, is the awesome, expensive, soul shattering, loving, caring relationships, things and experiences, that we all want, but are in no place (and have no mental space) to receive.
I’ve recently read this book called ‘Existential Kink‘ by Carolyn Elliott which goes into Shadow Work. Shadow Work is when you make a conscious effort to lean into all of the things you’ve pushed down and hidden because you are afraid and ashamed; and bring them to the light to be healed and integrated within you to become whole. But the truth is, we are already whole and complete, the problem is, we don’t know it.
We’ve created separation within ourselves because of how we think we’re “supposed to be,” who society wants us to be, who our parents want us to be, our friends, etc. – rather than just embracing ourselves and being who we are.
Shadow work not only allows us to illuminate all the “dark/bad” stuff, but to also accept those things as a part of our most glorious, beautiful, and messed up selves! I can say within the past few months I have become aware of patterns and behaviors, which allowed me to either keep and own them, or get rid of them. This has been freeing and powerful, because as I step more into who I am, my opinion has become the most important one in my life! I am now able to protect my energy and choose what and who I give my energy to, and release what’s no longer mine. I know that I am perfect just the way I am with all my imperfections, because that is what makes me, me!
When you began to realize that you are the only person in charge of your life, no else’s opinion matters!
This scream session has given me the space to release all of the stuff that doesn’t belong to me, own all the stuff that does, and give myself full and complete permission to OWN WHO I AM!
Being a coach in this self-development space is very tough work because you have to be the one with the hacksaw clearing the tall grass, branches, and bushes to create a path for others to walk on.
It requires bravery and loads of self-compassion because things will come up, and you will think that there is something wrong with you or you are “bad”, when really, you’re just expanding. You’re experiencing the full spectrum of life’s amazing experiences. A life made up of happy thoughts, events, people, places and things all the time would be so boring! You would not pay to watch a movie with no action, no drama, and no emotion.
So, think of your life as your own personal movie, full of action, drama, and emotional turmoil. Know that in the end, everything will turn out fine! You must go through all of the hard things to become whole and free and the person that is able to receive and accept life’s abundance!
I am so extremely grateful to Tahsha Renee and Jacquelynne Faith for the work they do because the most important work that you will ever do is on yourself; getting to know who you are underneath it all. They can help you with this. You may have to crawl through the mud on your hands and knees, climb tall mountains in the rain, and not eat for a couple of days, but knowing at the end your most joyful life awaits, makes it all worth it!!
Tahsha Renee and Jacquelynne Faith are a part of my Scarlight Coaching Scars to Confidence: More Life 12-Week Coaching Program where you will be able to participate in your own scream session! Come spread out your deck of life’s cards and review what’s there so you can release those things that are holding you back and own those things that will guide you higher!
If you are ready to do the work and initiate your healing process, then book a call with me and let’s talk!
Thank you so much for reading The Realist Sh*t I Ever Wrote!
I appreciate your support.